GATES OF HELL—Journalists at WeebHole were finally released from Hell on Friday afternoon.
In a stunning turn of events, Lucifer, the Lord of Darkness, announced today that he would be releasing a group of journalists from the depths of Hell, granting them a second chance. Initially sentenced to “eternal damnation” and “banishment to purgatory”, the journalists were reluctantly released from their punishment brought upon them by Lucifer himself.
Lucifer, decked out in his signature red attire and wielding his trusty pitchfork, summoned a press conference in the fiery pits of Hell. Surrounded by a horde of lost souls, he began his address with an uncharacteristic smile on his face. “Ladies and gentlemen, fiends and furies, today I bring you news of unprecedented mercy,” proclaimed the Prince of Darkness.
The journalists, still in a state of disbelief, gingerly approached Lucifer. One brave soul mustered up the courage to ask the burning question on everyone’s mind. “Why, oh mighty Lucifer, have you chosen to release us from this wretched abyss?”
Lucifer’s eyes twinkled with mischief as he replied,
“I must admit, dear scribes, even I underestimated the havoc you wreak upon the mortal world. The twisted narratives, the sensationalism, the endless clickbait—I must confess, you’re truly doing the Devil’s work.”Lucifer
A ripple of chuckles passed through the gathering of tortured souls, relieved that their ruler had finally acknowledged the true nature of journalism.
But Lucifer’s tone turned serious as he concluded, “So go forth, journalists, and resume your noble duty. Remember, the chaos and confusion you sow will only strengthen my dominion over humanity. The more headlines, the merrier!”
Only time will tell what fresh tales of calamity the released journalists will unleash upon society. Whether they will use their newfound freedom for noble pursuits or succumb to the temptation of sensationalism, one thing is for certain: Lucifer’s surprising act of leniency has left the world in a state of journalistic certainty.